What Is Contempt in a Relationship? Warning Signs

Contempt in relationships is like a sneaky little weed that quietly but relentlessly eats away at love and respect. It’s often one of those tough nuts to crack that couples just dread dealing with.

Understanding What Contempt Really Means in a Relationship

Contempt in a relationship is a strong form of disrespect where one partner puts themselves on a pedestal and looks down on the other. It differs from anger or resentment because contempt often involves a mix of disgust and harsh judgment, frequently including mocking or belittling behavior.

Psychologists often describe contempt as a nasty little emotion that signals a real breakdown in respect and empathy between people. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman points to contempt as a major red flag and something that screams trouble ahead because it chips away at a partner's sense of worth through sarcasm and biting jokes or exaggerated eye rolls and dismissive gestures. Contempt suggests that the other person is somehow lesser or fundamentally flawed. This wreaks havoc on how they communicate and emotionally connect. Usually, contempt sneaks in quietly fueled by ongoing frustrations and unmet needs.

How Contempt Sneaks Into and Undermines Relationships

Contempt is especially damaging because it gnaws at the foundation of respect and emotional safety in a relationship. Once contempt appears, it drives a wedge of emotional distance between partners. It chips away at intimacy and erodes trust.

• Contempt tends to chip away at empathy and makes it harder for partners to understand and respond with care.
• It usually fans the flames of arguments and turns small disagreements into bigger spats.
• Couples often feel less satisfied and happy as the joy seeps out of the relationship.
• Communication shifts from solving problems to playing the blame game full of criticism and finger-pointing.
• If left unchecked, this lingering contempt can increase the odds of separation or divorce.

"Contempt sneaks into a relationship like emotional poison, quietly turning love into resentment and respect into scorn before you even realize what’s happening—usually when it’s way too late to patch things up." — Dr. John Gottman, relationship researcher

Typical Warning Signs of Contempt (You Know, Those Red Flags You Can’t Ignore)

Catching those early signs of contempt can really give partners a leg up, helping them nip damaging behaviors in the bud before things spiral out of control.

1. Using a sarcastic or mocking tone when talking to a partner, as if you’re auditioning for a stand-up roast rather than having a real conversation.
2. Frequently rolling your eyes or letting out a sigh during conversations or disagreements, making it pretty clear you’re not exactly thrilled to be there.
3. Showing dismissive body language like turning away or skilfully avoiding eye contact, as if the person might just disappear if you don’t look.
4. Throwing out hostile jokes or humor that’s meant more to sting than to lighten the mood.
5. Dropping belittling remarks that target someone's personality or intelligence, which tends to leave wounds way deeper than intended.
6. Constant criticism that hammers away at the person instead of focusing on the behavior, as if they’re the problem rather than what they did.
7. Withdrawing emotionally by shutting down communication or affection, basically hitting the silent treatment button to punish.

Contempt often sneaks in quietly maybe as a dismissive glance during an argument or it can throw a punch more openly with harsh insults and mocking laughter.

How to Tell Contempt Apart from Other Negative Emotions (Without Losing Your Mind)

Contempt really sets itself apart from emotions like anger or resentment by carrying a sharper edge of superiority and disgust. While anger usually flares up in response to a specific offense and resentment tends to simmer with ongoing hurt, contempt goes a step further. It’s like drawing a hard line and deciding the other person is fundamentally flawed or just plain inferior.

What Really Fuels Contempt in Relationships

Contempt usually sneaks up slowly and brews from unresolved conflicts, unmet expectations and nagging patterns of disrespect or emotional neglect that pile up. When partners start feeling ignored or unappreciated, bitterness can quietly take root.

• Deep-seated resentment that’s been left to simmer and hasn’t really been addressed or worked through.
• Those nagging, repeated feelings of being disrespected or simply brushed aside by a partner.
• Uneven power dynamics that leave one feeling like the runner-up, less valued or downright subordinate.
• Conflict that has a knack for escalating instead of calming down or actually getting sorted out.
• Emotional neglect that all too often leads to a lonely sense of isolation and feeling seriously undervalued.

Is It Really Possible to Turn the Tide on Contempt? Some Thoughtful Ways to Begin Healing

Contempt can do a number on a relationship but thankfully it doesn’t have to leave a permanent scar.

1. Really try to get inside your partner’s head without rushing to judge.
2. Work on communication by listening with your full attention and sharing your feelings in a calm, even-keeled way that doesn’t add fuel to the fire.
3. Make it a habit to recognize and validate each other’s emotions and experiences instead of pointing fingers or assigning blame. It goes a long way.
4. When the going gets tough, don’t shy away from professional therapy or counseling.
5. Rebuild mutual respect by regularly calling out and appreciating each other’s good qualities and thoughtful actions. It’s the little things that stack up over time.

Small daily habits can genuinely go a long way in dialing down contemptuous behaviors. It’s all about making a real effort to offer heartfelt compliments to your partner and avoiding snarky or sarcastic remarks. Stick to respectful language even when you’re on different pages and carve out quality time to reconnect on an emotional level.

When You Might Want to Think About Calling in a Pro

When contempt keeps popping up and all attempts to patch things up feel like banging your head against a wall, it's crucial to understand what is contempt in a relationship and why it's time to call in the pros.

• Contempt stubbornly lingers, even after sincere efforts to bridge the communication gap and foster connection.
• Conflicts have a nasty habit of spiraling quickly into personal jabs and aggressive behavior.
• Emotional or physical abuse shows up or takes a turn for the worse, sadly.
• One or both partners often find themselves feeling hopeless or emotionally checked out from the relationship.
• Thoughts or conversations about separation or divorce come up so often, they start to overshadow everything else in the relationship.